A Letter of Apology

Everyday for the last 3 or 4 years, we have been bombarded by news of former president and incumbent Pampanga Representative Gloria Arroyo's alleged misdeeds and corruption while she and her husband were in power: The ZTE scandal, the Hello Garci brouhaha and the vote-rigging in Mindanao, various alleged misuse of public funds, the awesome US mansions that they owned, the midnight appointments, and much more. The day is never a day when we do not hear anything new about another government fund that was misappropriated or mishandled by her or any one of her friends in high places.

However, to make this sound less political, this really is not about our former president. This is really about me; I have been living in shame within the last decade. This is because I was not only aware about what was happening, but I also committed the unforgivable crime of letting the offenders get away with it—and grab power.

Yes. I voted for Gloria Arroyo to be president.

As far back as a year before the election, I already had my mind made up to vote for Raul Roco, and it was not a care whether he was going to lose or not; I voted for him the previous elections when he lost, but that never unfazed me. He was an honorable man and he was brilliant, and I was going to vote for him again because it was the right thing to do.

And then the unthinkable happened: Fernando Poe Jr. announced his candidacy.

I did not hold a grudge against FPJ. By then he was the greatest Filipino actor who ever lived, but it was the mere fact that he didn't know jack about politics and he was being backed up by then ultra-corrupt former president Joseph Estrada that I realized the country was going to the pits if FPJ had become president.

And then, Raul Roco was rushed to the hospital for fatigue (I think), and he had announced that he was putting a stop to his sorties in the middle of campaign period for health reasons. I was still going to vote for him, but I already had doubts. This time I began to think and weigh my decision: If I vote for Roco, he will lose anyway and I would have wasted my vote, and FPJ may get the upper hand from president Arroyo; and if that someone in the palace did not have clue on what he's doing, then the country will truly go to the dogs.

This time, family pressure was already on my shoulders. My family, the patriarch being an ultra-right wing conservative, wanted me to vote for Arroyo. For years I did not care for their political ideals because I came to realize that they have been wrong in that area before. "We do not have a choice, Paul," they said. "Would you throw your vote to a losing candidate, or would you throw it to someone who could actually win against corruption and ignorance? Do not waste your vote on someone who will not win! Vote for Gloria, and we are sure not to have FPJ as president."

The advice sounded painful, but by then I had made the most difficult decision and the biggest political mistake of my life: I heeded their advice. The tip of my pen was on the ballot, still having second thoughts; I then breathed heavily and began to write her full name above the line in capital letters: GLORIA MACAPAGAL-ARROYO. There.

I got pats on the back. Very well done, ol' chap. I did this not because of myself, but because I did not want the president of this country to be someone ignorant only to be a puppet by a gambling drunkard who we just ousted a few years ago.

Of course Arroyo won, by a margin of a million plus votes. I breathed a sigh of relief. Everything was fine for a time.

Then one scandal after another popped up. Election-rigging. ZTE. Hello Garci. Mansions. By then, I thought that I had been betrayed. Raped; sodomized by an army of demons in the depths of Hell. Every time a news article comes up, I cannot help but feel gravely responsible for it. The vote I threw for Arroyo was wasted as well anyway, being that she did not really need it. She already made up for it through the vote-rigging. I even fought for her in chat circles; I told them that these were all lies, and they should take their cases to court...

...Only to have all those cases strategically steered by a court of her own peers.

If I voted for Roco in the first place, I would not have been a part of this grand larceny. He may have lost, yes, but I should still have kept my dignity intact. I would have had the smug and smarts to stand up and laugh at those who voted for her.

Funny thing is, I think it would have been better if FPJ became president. So FPJ was the lesser evil. Imagine that.

It took time for me to realize that I am guilty. This is my fault, all this. Even this very second, the end is nowhere in sight. Arroyo still has the mists of darkness over us, but now there is a light of hope that is being held by a few. There are pain and heartaches more to come and it will probably take a few more years before we rid ourselves completely of this mess that I am partly responsible for.

I am sorry for not having a backbone to stand up for nobility. I am REALLY sorry that I listened to my family's advice; and I am sorry that I voted for Arroyo.

I hope that you all could forgive me.